A + B = Colleen

Saturday, September 9, 2000 04:12 p.m.
Omigod. Here I am like 2 minutes later. After 'Thief' they redeemed themselves with 'London Calling,' but NOW guess what just came on? That pussy new Everclear song! Which is a load of stinking shit as far as I'm concerned! It's even newer than Thief! AND it's even worse! God I hate it, hate it, hate it. I'm gonna have to turn off the radio or I will be posting here every 5 fucking minutes! Calm down Colleen. I was in such a good mood because I emailed Jamie back. Now the damn countdown has ruined my day! Fuck fuck fuck. Ok the DJ just recapped, and Thief was #143 and Everclear was like #140. Do you really think these songs deserve to be #143 and #140 on a list of the greastest rock songs of ALL TIME!?!?! I need to leave before they play 'Creed' or something and I rip myself a new one. Last night I was so riled after writing an entry my cheeks were so flushed I had to turn my AC on and it was cold out. I scrawled more on my walls and that calmed me down. I wrote "We wear the same clothes because we feel the same" above my closet [ha...] and I wrote really nicely 'I'd love to stay here and be normal [but it's just so overrated]' in HUGE letters above my bed. It's my new fucking motto. I thought I should scrawl it above my bed. I contemplated writing 'I spy in the nightsky, don't I?' on my ceiling because the girl who lived in the house before we moved in fucking PLASTERED the ceiling in glow in the dark stars and stuff. It's honestly covered. And they bug me so I thought that would be funny to write.
and the queen she's gone round the bend,
Colleen.

Post Script: Bono is trying to buy the most expensive apartment in Ireland. Yeah, fucker I have an idea for you: Why don't you take the money you would have spent on that apartment [it's like 1.5 million or something which is ridiculous...and I'm sure he has a place to live already, if not more than one], and donate it to third world countries to help them with their debt? Why don't you help out your own charity oh self rightous 'politically active' rocker?

Saturday, September 9, 2000 04:02 p.m.
motherFUCKER! I'm listening to the radio. This past week or so they've been counting down the top 1000 rock songs ever. They do like 100 songs a day. Today they're somewhere between number 200 and 100. And guess what was just on? Thief by Our Lady Peace. Why? It's like, 2 months old! It's neither good enough or old enough to have suh a high position! I understand that songs don't have to be 'old' to be good or considered 'classic' or whatever, but this is stretching it. The newer songs should be higher up, in the 800s or 900s. I can't believe they ranked such an ace song like 'Paint It Black' in the 700s, and Thief in the 100s. This has been such a shitty list. Barely any women. Will someone please save rock?...and quick.

Friday, September 8, 2000 11:50 p.m.
1st day of school. Never thought I'd miss the season of summer. Ummm...should I go into it? I don't know if I can without talking forEVER. Here's the deal: my worst fear ahs been confirmed: in 99% of my classes, the only people i know and like...are former friends. And my mother jsut keeps saying to me "At this time last year, Colleen, you'd have loved to have a schedule like that." My mother is so fricking HELPFUL! I'm gonna squash her head...I swear to friggin God! Aside from being the least concileratory [ok, I think I just made that word up. Shit, and I even spelled it wrong. Who spells their own made up word wrong? Colleen the dumbshit, that's who...] being on this Earth, she is also one of the most hypocritical people I know. Our relationship has been good for a whole year...but I can't stop yelling at her these days. I can't even bear to talk to her again. What is it about teenage girls and/or their mothers that make teenage girls suddenly LOATHE their mothers once they reach a certain age? I can't figure out who it is that changes either, is it some component in the mother's voice that becomes whinier and shriller and more annoying or is it something in the the teenager's ear, or short fuse? But I thought I was past that. I just end up yelling at her. Ok...here's the thing at school: Alex is only in 2 of my classes, Chemistry and English. Drama, History, Math, & Chemistry [I haven't had English yet, we'll see] are shared with Amanda, Cherakee, and Jake. Art is shared with Amanda and Cherakee, and Law is shared with Jake. And that, is all my courses. They're everywhere! It would be fine if I had my own friends to move on with...but I don't. I don't know where the populus of my grade went...suddenly I have classes full of people I have never spoken to during my entire time in Bridgewater....and Amanda, Cherakee, and Jake. That's how it is in History. In Math I'm not better off. So I was telling my mother this and she was just saying over and OVER "if you were still friends you would be glad to have a schedule like that." I yelled "MOM! You don't GET IT!" and I can't finish my sentence because she is smirking at me. That 'my-daughter-is-having-a-cute-little-conniption-fit-how-hormonal-and-teenage-of-her' smirk that drives me wild. That's the way she reacts, she either gets all hurt and offended and says "Don't yell at me i was just saying.../What are you yelling at me for?", or gives me the smirk. So finally i was about to blow because I couldn't explain to her why I couldn't "just go and sit with Amanda and Cherakee if I have no one to sit with..", especially when I was staring at the smirk so i jsut said 'Mom...don't. Just DON'T. Don't bother, don't speak to me about, you_don't_understand." and left. So we've had 2 discussions about this today. At lunch and then after school. She finally let it drop. Then, we've been having a problem with Andrew. This kid up the street, whom i babysit for on occasion is always calling asking if Andrew wants to paly. Andrew doesn't like this kid, because he is SO wimpy [ALWAYS tattling and running to his mother], and boring. [He has older parents, and they are raising him just like they are older parents.He is a little fuddy-duddy. He's so square.] So, what can mom do? There's nothing WRONG with the kid...but Andrew jsut doesn't like to play with him. In a way you can't blame him, but in a way...you can. So...to make a long story short, I took a phonecall for Andrew who was outside. Getting the child back inside would have been a task, so mom told me to tell this kid he is playing outside, and that if he wants to come down the street and play outside he can. Anyway, i went for a LOOOONNNG walk in the graveyard. i came back and Andrew cornered me and hissed something about why did I tell this kid he can come over? because this kid has now weaseled his way inside our house and Andrew doesn't want him there. I passed mom in the living room. She asked what time it was, becuase she was waiting for me to get back so she could go out and get cigarettes. She says she'll take this kid home on her way for cigarettes. I tell her Andrew just about attacked me on my way in the door and was livid I gave the kid to ok to come ovr [for Christ's sake...they were playing outdoors, you don't need an invitation if the whole lot of neighbourhood children are out in someone's yard. And besides... most of the time all the other kids invite themselves over anyway.] Mom and I discuss what to do about the situation that increasingly needs to be dealt with. I said "Well, you can't FORCE Andrew to be friends with the kid. If he's not Andrew's type, then he's just not..." and then my mom says: "Well, the problem with Andrew is that NO ONE is his type, he doesn't like or want to be friends with ANYONE. Which is aproblem you have I see." I fucking flipped. TWICE today I'd already yelled at her for her patronizing comments. i yelled something AGAIN. I didn't know Ii was such a yell-er. It happens before I even know it is. I went upstairs. So...I'm getting to the point of my story, I REALLY am...as I'm stomping upstairs the phone rings. It's this kid's mother. My mom doesn't like her very much [but truth be told, my mom doesn't like much of ANYONE. I mean she says it about me, but the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree. I tell her to 'look in the mirror' and then she gets 'hurt'. Fuck, how come she can say to me "You judge people too harshly and quickly and you gossip too much, and you think badly of everyone" and then when I honestly tell her that I think that she does it too and taht is where i learned it from, she gets SO upset? She was like "Colleen! How can you say that to me?!?! That really hurts my feelings! I do NOT do that..." Then i was like "Wait a minute...*you* just said that to *me*...don't like getting your words flung back?" My God...in print, we sound like big Jerry Springer hicks. Blah. Anyway this fight was a long time ago.] so....this mother wants mom to stop in for coffee when she brings this kid home. My mom says ok because she is a doormat [yes, but a polite one...]. Then tells me that there has been a change in plans and she has to go for coffee. She doesn't want to go and she's rolling her eyes now. I was too mad at the time to realise it, but she was being a total hypocrite. Damn I wish i had realised it so i could've yelled "it looks like someone ELSE doesn't like or want to make friends!" Because hoenstly, my mom is always grumbling about ehr girlfriends. She never wants them to drop by [but she never stops them, she's a doormat], never wants them to phone [even the ones in Toronto who phone long distance]...I'm just realising that the reason she doesn't like them, is because she's angry at ehrself for not standing up and saying "no, you can't drop by during your break from work and interrupt my housework and expect me to drop everything and have a coffee with you." or "no, i can't talk for an hour and a half on the phone every other evening because the evening is my quiet time after Andrew and james have gone to bed." Built up resentment from not speaking up and standing up to your friends:I know it well. I guess the apple doesn't fall far. The difference between my mother and I? I finally fucking spoke up. Sure, now I'm the loner in the corner in all my classes, but as much as it pains me to hear their laughter across the classroom, i know that I do NOT want to be 'sat in front' like Jake is...they haven't changed. I couldn't be sidekick friend. So, I guess sitting alone is ultimately less hurtful than struggling to contain and conceal the flares of resentment and...jeolousy, i guess, as Sidekick Friend.
God...i was in a good mood. I got an awesome email from Jamie who FINALLY got my mixtape and enjoys the title [I called it the 'Sexy Goldfish Mix' and made a tiny collage on the cover for her.], and even said my writing isn't that messy. My cheeks are flushed from all my vitriol. Making the Band ended tonight. It was a piss poor finale. Clive Davis is an idiot to sign them. I have Parklife which I am slowly wearing a hole in. I could've said a lot more about school, and ESPECIALLY that unholy mess taht was the MTV awards [SUPERGRASS DIDN'T WIN...JUST AS WELL...THEY DIDN'T EVEN TELEVISE THOSE AWARDS.] [i actually wrote down allll my snarky comments and observations because no one was in the room to share them with. I thing I'm gonna type them up and they'll be my September contribution to the way cool zine...], or the fact that *surprise* I finally have a job, and maybe even 2 jobs after 9 long months. But no, it all took a backseat. I've been working on the layout which might be up this weekend. And fuck, maybe I'll even update.
Well, here's to another fucking school year.

The queen's gone round the bend,
Colleen [Cancerous and Cantankerous. Damn my sudden brain freeze in drama today.]

Wednesday, September 6, 2000 02:23 p.m.
this entry is brought to you by the letters T & A [heh] and the following quote from Jamie:
"...chris [Murphy] even kneeled on the floor to sign my poster! hehe. that's when sarah smelled him...."

check this out, I found it, it's an older article concerning America, Cananda, our relations and the whole Francophonian revolts [I suppose taht's putting it a bit dramatic, but anyway...]. You may want to take a dictionary with you when you follow this link. I know I had to look a few things up. Nothing like a learning experience. What an educational Pita I have!
And speaking of education of course, I returned to school today. Just for an hour to pay my fee, get my locker combination and schedule and hear the usual spiels from Featherby and Publicover. Alex is in my homeroom. Not that that means much. But I have a cool homeroom. Anyway, I have a top locker. I'm above the glorious Tiffy. Alex is in 2 of my classes in a row. Hang on...*going to get schedule* I have drama for an hour first thing. oh lord, the one thing i dread is up first....and for an hour. I'll give it a week. if things are as bad as I predict I'll drop it. School starts 10 minutes earlier too. Fuck. It starts when I'm usually running out of my house. Maybe I'll ahve to start waking up like, 8:30 or something. Then I have law, and so far I don't know ANYONE else who is taking law. perhaps Justin. Then I have a spare, then Art [with Chasity...and someone else who I can't remember]. Then history with the GREATEST teacher on earth, Mr. Lecain. Then math, then Chemistry with Williamson, or 'Willy' as he's referred to. He's a really easy teacher. Gives you lots of breaks and stuff. And then I have Advanced English with the twitchiest teacher alive according my sister, Mr. Penny. What a headcase who is in love with himself. My mom still hasn't asked me about how my hour was. Jesus, when I got home at quarter to 12 she wasn't there, she was picking Andrew and James up at school. But from 12 to 1 i was sitting watching tv and eating my burnt Rice A Roni. She didn't ask me how it went, who's homeroom I'm in, who's with me, where's my locker, who's in my classes or even to see my fucking schedule! Thanks for your interest and enthusiasm mum. Then she went grocery shopping and is picking up Andrew and James. I swear she's either in my face all the time or not there at all.
Anyway, apparently I'm unrecognizable with red hair. I got there a bit late and Ms. Stockdale said she and Mme. bergeron were trying to decide who the new student was. And she illustrated the fact that my clothing matched, I had my impossibly cute Butterfly purse and exclaimed that it was 'the new Colleen!' I don't see it.
I think I'm going to spend the afternoon with my graphic editor. After I phone Cherakee to inquire about her schedule.
Colleen.

Tuesday, September 5, 2000 11:04 p.m.
I had a purpose. And now I forget. Why did I turn on the computer again? I had something to say, but it's gone now. I swear my mood changes with each site I visit. I just read that Noel Gallagher and his wife split and that makes me so sad. I have a large spot of pity in my heart for the band. I don't know why. I saw the Behind The Music on them and it nearly broke my heart. Just constant chaos...thinking about being in that band makes me want to step out in front of traffic. Speaking of Oasis, I am listening to my new Blur cd right now [hehe, what a great segue Colleen...]. GOD IT'S SO AMAZING. I'm on 'London Loves'...ahh the mystery of a speeding car, the misery of a speeding heart. A new tpeface, a new day. I can't remember 10 minutes ago. Thoughts are just pissing away. Ok....now I'm just typing random lyrics to the song I'm listening to. It's best I do that on my bedroom walls in black marker than here in my crowded Pita. [See I'm trying to distract your attention from the nonupdates...with a bunch of fancy arm movements I will divert your attention. Except now that i've divulged my plan, it may not work so well.]IF I JUMP IT'S ALL OVER. Whoops, still more with the lyrics. Oh and speaking of my bedroom walls, I went in and found some clean clothes on my bed courtesy of the maid-er, I mean my mother, so she's been in my room. But God, knowing my mother: whether she's actually NOTICED the shite on my walls....that's unclear. I'm trying to clean my room at the moment, unpack my clothes and decide what to wear tomorrow and whether or not I can make it jacket-free. I've worn the jacket twice since June. Can I make it at school? I dunno...people frighten me, and the jacket is my only protection, aside from my sunglasses which, I can't wear indoors so well....SO, anyway, I'm unpacking my new clothes, and to my dismay, they're COVERED in the satanic cat's white fur. My dad's place is covered in white cat hair. So, I brought it home on my new black shirt, my black pants, my orange shirt and my new navy blue galactic pants that I bought on Saturday when I returned the controversial tiger striped jeans. White fur everywhere. I'm gonna get that little bugger of a cat. I'm trying to clean my room and I'm not having any luck. Ever try to clean your room and find thigns are going in circles? You just end up moving things around. Bleh, I need to clear a spot so I can plunk down and fill my binders with looseleaf. School tomorrow...unless I torch the place. Heh. I'm no good with matches. j/k. [I only burn phlegm. And don't ask.]
Oh yeah....I do have news. But first I want to tell you all that getting shampoo in your eye is a bitch. I haven't done that since I was like, 7 man. And I've washed my hair 3 times today. I had a hairdressers appointment @ quarter to 4 to do my roots. So i washed my hair BEFORE going because it was disgusting after spending a few days in Fredericton with my dad's hard water. Then I got there, she decided that since my red hair had faded so DAMN much in the 2 months since it was dyed [despite the fact that I used her special expensive Rocket Fire Red shampoo...], that instead of doing the roots we would dye the hair ALL OVER, but in a semi permanent dye. We did it over the sink because semi-permanent is runny stuff. Then, when we had to transport me the mere 2.5 metres from the sink to the chair, she put my hair in a plastic bag and clipped it unto my head. It was quite amusing. She put me under the dryer, and let me tell you...had I spent any more time under there I think the plastic bag would have melted and merged with my head. It got really hot, and hurt. Then, we washed my hair [AGAIN] and I refused to let her cut it so she just blowed it dry. Well, she got tired and put me under the blow dryer again. My hair takes a long time to dry. So...my hair is red again! It was practically auburn, it faded so badly. And she asked me which shade of red I wanted, and this time I got to pick a straight out shade instead of her mixing a few different ones so i picked this really sickly bright fake looking red. It makes me look cheap, and that's why i like it. Before, although I liked my hair last time, I really didn't think I looked trashy enough. I thought it was too 'nice'. Call me crazy...but I like obnoxious hair colours. The dye stained my face. But I took another shower an hour ago and got it out. So, there's my THIRD hairwash of the day...and red dye is still drizzling out. I talked on the phone with Alex. Somehow we got disconnected. It was a bizarre turn of events, and too long of a story to recount here.
Oh god, I was boiling 2 toothbrushes on the stove to make bracelets...and it was taking so damn long for them to soften, that I went upstairs. I went down again about an hour ago and found that the pot's water had all evaporated and my toothbrushes had all melted and stuck to the pot! Shit. I hope I didn't ruin moms pot. Whoops.
I played minigolf over the long weekend, and i won. Although it was a hollow victory, as I was only playing my 6 and 7 year old brothers. They cheated badly. No fair. i would've had a hole in one but James actually stuck out his club and stopped my ball. Asshole.
I still can't remember what I had to say. oh yeah! After completing my entry for last night I went downstairs and found the Wishbook had arrived while we were away! Oh God...the Wishbook is such an event in my life. I've tried to make it an event in my brother's lives as well, but the Wishbook has become steadily and steadily more crappier over the years. Some GREAT Barbies though, holy lord. But I couldn't help thinking: wasn't it JUST my birthday?

1 month today until the concert,
Colleen.
P.S. Having a journal, or even a Pita with journalistic tendencies falsely leads you to believe A) you have a life, B)it's worth chronicaling and, C) people will read and care. Do not fall into this trap, children. Never believe in your own specialness.

Tuesday, September 5, 2000 01:34 a.m.
I'm back. 3 days in Fredericton. Hola et au revoir my dear sister...I hope you drown at universtiy....the dark and deep blue waves of academia. No scholarship to loose this year, c'mon kathryn, do something even worse to make me look like the better daughter! Instead she's given me her virus/illness/sickness whatever it is that she has and that is making me sneeze so damn much and my nose go a little friggy. I came back to 66 emails. Most of them unfortunately Rufus people talking about Esthero of all things.Oh, and Spark emailed me my IQ test results. In Spark.com's infinite wisdom and expertise, they have declared me a [wait for it] Bordeline Genius. Har har. A score of 125 w/ the world average being 102. it should have been a bit higher because I caught on to the trick way before I actually stopped. And of course we all know how ACCURATE the results of a test taken through the wires of a computer can be.
It basically just hit me that tomoorw [well today it's past 12] is the last day of sumemr vacation. Well, I'm not sad to see summer die, because it means that I can come out of the house now. God I hate summer. I love the other seasons particularly autumn...and winter somewhat. Everything dies, and everyone goes indoors. And being the queer little fuck I am that means I come ALIVE and goe OUTDOORS. Backwards child, my mother would surely say. And I'm thinking of the day before school started last year. My mom's friend's were over at the house and Sharon whispered to me that she thought my then new black hair was "sexy." My mom hated it, so we didn't want her to know I was getting complimented on it. I remember having to call all my friends...because I hadn't seen nor talked to them since I dyed my hair black and I just didn't want to walk into school and have them totally unprepeared for the melodrama that was my black hair....I mean bad enough everyone ELSE, I figured I needed at least my friends to be in on it for some support. And I was SO bored the evening before school started. I ended up watching High School High for some odd reason. I don't know why I remember that.
God I'm making some pretty inventive type-os this evening. My fingers and toes are so damn coooolllllld.
In Fredericton, i bought myself a fan and Blur's Parklife [@ a pawn shop for $7.95]cd...which is SO FUCKING AMAZING! Way better than the 1997 self titled one, that I have and liked quite a bit as it was. I haven't spent any money in a month. I've been saving for my Toronto trip. But now, I get word from dad this weekend the trip is not going to be for 5-6 days it's only going to be for 3-4 days. I'll leave Bridgewater after school on the Wednesday, get to Fredericton Wednesday night than dad and I will leave Fredericton early, early Thursday and get to Toronto in time for the concert, which is a Thursday evening. i'll sleep over @ the place where my dad will be staying [former co worker from years ago], then spend the Friday night @ either the Rosses or the Groenstein's, then the Saturday night @ either the Rosses or the Groenstein's, go to my old church Sunday morning, then right after hit the road for home. Get to Fredericton either late Sunday/early Monday. it's supposed to be Thanksgiving that weekend. So...why do i need shitloads of Money when I'll only REALLY be in Toronto 2 days [the friday and the Saturday.]? I won't. And if i do go shopping, it'll just be at Woodside Square, a wee shopping place right outsidde my old neighborhood. Where I'll eat delicious 2 For 1 Pizza for the first time in 5 years. Yum. Then I'll take pictures of the bathroom stairs of the McDonald's @ Woodside, because it's actually a portal to another dimension. It causes nausea. And I need photo proof. Now that I only have 2 days I'm not sure what I want to do. Just go for a walk/drive really and see all the palces I miss and recognize. i don't feel like emailing people I used to know. No point. 2 days...how would I squeeze them all in? Better to just see no one but the really, really important. People from school won't remember me. it's been 5 years remember. It's sad to be forgotten. It truly, truly is. I haven't really kept in touch with anyone either. It's not all their fault. I've forgot me too. Maybe it's all just a cop out and I don't WANT to see them. Becuase, after all I used to be a nice girl. I don't want them to see me in all my un-nice person glory. I think if they were to meet me now they would be disappointed. Everyone had high expectations of me. To see the mess of atrophied bones I've become...they'd wonder why they ever thought I was special in the first place. It's Bridgewater. All Bridgewater's fault. My mind is dusty from disuse...my personality and spark, my big city uniqueness and peculiarities have been bleached from Excessive Exposure To Small Towns And Their Critical Eye...and my potential and future were stripped @ the border, confiscated when I entered this town. See, it's not long you spend in a small town before you fall in with the zombies and start to feel that you will never leave, that the confines of Atlantic Canada are not confines at all, but protective barriers between you and the world thats best left undiscovered. I relaised that I'm not meant to leave Atlantic Canada today at our 3:30 PM "supper". Mom suddenly and unexplicably brought up university. I had finished my supper. I can't remember how she got started on her spiel trying to sell me on attending university because honestly I didn't realise she was talking to me, that she was directing her thoughts @ me instead of making idle small talk with my father and Shawn. All i remember is her saying after a pause that I was supposed to answer in but instead chose to ignore her, "...you can meet new people..." which is then that I realised she is trying to convince me to go to unviersity...I'm only going into grade 11! Something in me just blew because I'm like "Meet new people? It's 2 years away...just shut the hell up!" and I yelled "Mom, I'm only going into grade 11, university is still a long ways away!" which totally amused my father and Shawn, because any vaguely teenagey tantrum is always met by a smirk from my dad. I excuse myself and go play cards w/ my brothers in the living room. Except I'm pissed now and I keep yelling at my brothers and I hear them say in the dining room "oooh...someone's a little angry now." Which pisses me off more and I don't have a damn thing to say to ANYONE that doesn't come in the form of a yell or a snarl until well past the New Brunswick/Nova Scotia border.Like, am I crazy? I know University is something people my age should start considering sometime in the next 6-8 months...but grade 11 hasn't started yet and my mother is telling me "St Alison's has GREAT art-y programs..." And it's then when I realise it's assumed that if I DO go to university, it'll be one in the maritimes most likely, and if I don't [which they assume won't happen, they assume I'll change my mind, or they'll convince me...but they should know better. I'm a stupid fucking Hennan, and stupid fucking Hennans do really stupid fucking things, because we are stupid fucking people. You know that now I've declared I won't be going to university I won't change my mind for pride's sake. We stupid fucking Hennans are stubborn...to a point where we lose out even. It's in my blood. I'll tie my own rope if I have to...in the name of familial stupidity.] then I'll hang around the Maritimes "working @ Sobey's" as my mother always says to me when the subject arrises ["You want to end up working @ Sobey's for the rest of your life, DON'T you?" I alwasy reply sarcastically "no mom, KATHRYN'S the one who works at Sobey's, *I* haven't found a job yet." It pisses her off.]. Well, maybe I forgot to tell them, but it's always been my intention to return to Toronto as soon as I turn 18. Hell, I'd leave the day of my last exam and skip my graduation if I could. And I always assumed I'd bring Amanda. I don't think I ever even asked her, or discussed it with her...because I think she and Cherakee had said that they would live together after high school. Hmmm...well, I guess THAT'S off.
And my dad mentioned some ARTS program this weekend...it also occurred to me that they think I should do something arty with my life. And It makes me practically want to cry because I know I'll say "yeah, but I'm no GOOD at art..." and they'll say something totally parental, y'know one of those phrases that encourages and tries to deny the truth. And it makes me really exasperated because I wish someone would jsut say to me "your drawings are really awful." Because I *know* they are. Even Cherakee could never bring herself to say my work is bad...she'd always laugh hysterically at it [I would too, it's so bad it's funny...] and then she'd say "I love your drawings Colleen, they're so....you." Actually I haven't drawn or voluntarily created anything artfully outside of art class for about 2 years. It gets me down. I can't stand having all my stuff turn out awful, and not at all the way they looked in my head. i get so fucking pissed at it i don't want to constantly have that stuff staring me in the face, reminding me of how much I CAN'T create the great ideas I have. Why purposely bring yourself down? Why kick yourself all the time? So I washed my hands of it some time ago. So, to have my parents unshakably think it's some great career path for me frustrates me...I will never be able to convince them otherwise. They will stand by their standard issue parental lines of comfort, not realising I don't WANT comfort. I want the truth. To my face. Because when I say I'm awful....I'm not fishing for a compliment or reassurance like Amanda always was [God what a gift she has. She went around denying it. It made me angry, because it felt like she was misusing her gift...and if she didn't want it, couldn't use it properly or respect it then there are other people in this world who would want her gift, like me, who would use it to its fullest extent.]. i know I'm bad. Just tell me. Now I feel like going and drawing a picture to prove to you: except I don't know how to work my 2 year old scanner. I'm such a dumbshit.

Colleen.

Friday, September 1, 2000 11:31 p.m.
According to TheSpark.com, I am 26% Bitch [which is LOWER than average. Ha...I've always been saying I'm not a bitch...], I'll have sex w/ 11 people during my lifetime [9 male 2 female...oh mama I wasn't expecting that one...and I will actually love 2 of them. Heh. I'll love the 2 girls.], i will loose my viriginity @ 19 in the back of a car, Because of my idealist attitude I'll have to be careful not to get hurt, I'm 34% slutty [less than average], I'm sluttier than 26% of the world, yet cleaner than 73%, 6 women agreed with me and chose Gaz Coombes as the best sex option of all time, I am 79% untelligent [which is higher than the 60% average. Untelligence, by the way has something to do with survival], i have barbaric self confidence, a very high level of intelligence, observation is one of my best qualities, AND I havea decent and respectable sense of morality. Thank you for that, Spark.com.

Hey, and you know what's REAL fun? Taking a black permanent marker to your walls and scrawling expletives and song lyrics. I can't WAIT till mum puts away my laundry next...

Thursday, August 31, 2000 06:40 p.m.
I just got back from the mall. Do I have school clothes yet? NO. In the past week I've been All through Mayflower Mall in Cape Breton, Halifax Shopping Centre, and now our local Bridgewater mall. I have nothing more than 2 shirts to show for it. It's partly to do with my own too specific clothing requirements, and also to do with cheap ill-fitting Mall clothes. I think I'm in between sizes. There's no baby bear 'Just Right' for me...it's all too big, too small, too short, too long, too baggy, too close fitting for my liking. My liking is nothing. I came to that conclusion in a store @ the mall otday after rejecting a pair of pants for being too baggy and too sloppy lloking and then trying on the smaller size and saying "this isn't baggy enough." I wonder if it's self sabotage. I don't want any clothes. I will go to school in my pyjamas. Anyway, I actually did get 2 shirts today. We were in Eclipse, which was sort of moot to begin with ebcause it's been my 3rd Eclipse in a week. I found a lovely orange shirt to go with my tiger striped jeans. Except when i came out of the dressing room wearing the jeans [we brought them along...] I said point blank to my mother "We're returning these jeans. But I want the shirt." I didn't want her to 'insist' like she did when i told her we should return them in Halifax just hours after buying them. She agreed. She could finally see that I wouldn't wear them by the look on my face. I also got a black cardigan which I have been searching for. I'll try it on with the red halter top I got in Fredericton [for me to wear to the Supergrass/Pearl Jam concert], I can return it if it's not what I want. Then, we looked in other stores and found nothing. Mom went to Coles to get herself a book, and I went into our town's only cd store. It said out front that every cd in the store was on sale and no cd was more than $19.99. Of course, all the cds I want are all $19.99. They only have one copy of the Thrush Hermit cd. I want it badly. I saw the video for 'The Day We Hit The Coast' yesterday on Much and I have it in my head. Whenever I'm in the cd store I check to see if anyone has bought their only Supergrass cd. I used to laugh @ Cherakee for doing that with Robbie Williams cds, but now I see her point. 'Better Man' by Pearl Jam was just on the radio. Man, I LOVED that song so freakin much when it came out. I will forever connect it with being on an airplane one time and it being on the little airplane radio playlist...I remember getting the words wrong. I saw so many Pearl jam singles at the cd store and I was looking at them. I recognized so many good songs, so maybe I'll enjoy their portion of the concert more than I think. But I probably won't be listening...so snowed by Supergrass.
I mailed Jamie's mix tape. I put a link to Jamie's page up here because she is just the best. I nearly died laughing at her email last night. I haven't laughed like that for a lllooong time. I laughed quite a bit yesterday. At 'Shiny Windbreaker', Jamie's email and Sarah's tales of howling Halloween socks and dumping her sorry ass friend twice. Anyway, last night after I finally got into my email I was reading Jamie's email and she sent me her address so I could mail her mixtape and then she snuck this little line in after her address: "please send candy and flowers and perhaps a sloan member or two if you wish.;)". Oh...Christ on a bike...Speaking of, I discussed me going to see Sloan in a few days with my mom. See, Jamie has me brain washed. My mom said no problem to driving me to either Wolfville or Halifax. But that still leaves the question of who I would go with, can I afford the tickets, and are the shows all ages? AND there's a possibility that these shows are intended for the students only of the universities they're played at. My sister left today, speaking of university. I'm not entirely rid of her. I'm going to Fredericton this weekend, so I'll see her again. It seems like she hasn't left, because she's left her stuff and mess everywhere still. She didn't start packing till last night and she was rushed because she's a complete and total fucking idiot. I hate her. I know it. Sisters are supposed to get closer as they grow older. Bond later in life. Not if I can help it. The trouble between us is rarely caused by me. It's her picking on me. The war is so one sided that it will end when SHE grows up. She's so immature it's hard to believe she's 3 years older than me. My mom says she's a 2 year old. She is. Mom likes me better. Ha. I can feel it in my bones. But it's almost not worth being the best behaved child in my family. You get nothing for your troubles. I never give mom any grief. I go out of my way not to. I'm paranoid she's going to get 'worried' about me again, so I try to limit any potentially worrying behavior and I smile a lot. It's exhausting. The other night I was playing with my knives and I felt like listening to 'Fated' by MGB 2 dozen times on repeat when mom was in bed because it's a nice quiet song, and the rhythm fit what I was doing. But I put it in my discman, because I thought the lyrics might upset her or give her ideas. "I long to be dead/sleep with the fishes under the sea/...and there'll be no light tonight/...cut you open like candy and pull out your little wounds." Anyway...my point is it severely limits our conversation.
I saw Justin at the mall tonight. I asked him about Germany and he saw castles and bought sunglasses. Sounds like a good holiday to me. When he walked in his rapunzal locks were bouncing and flowing as per usual. He was absentmindedly playing air guitar and mouthing some lyrics. oh Justin, how you crack me up. I waved and he came over and said something about arranging some sort of difficult guitar thing today. He was quite chatty but we had to go to the fabric store so i said goodbye. I walked past Northern Reflections twice to see if Alex was working. I could've gone in..but they haven't called me so I probabley didn't get the job so I didn't go in. I got a job application from the cd store. Hey, what can I say, I've only been up 3 hours it hasn't been a terribly exciting day. I still need to call Alex.

Wednesday, August 30, 2000 07:05 p.m.
well. It's past 6 PM, if Northern Reflections are going to phone me they aren't going to do it today. It was either today or tomorrow they said they will contact me to say I got the job. Hmm. It's not looking good. But, I happen to know that the people who are in charge of hiring chronicly do not know what day it is. It's like they're using last year's calander or they've got their watch set wrong.
Gurlmail won't let me in. Bah. And I need to see if Jamie has emailed me her address yet so I can mail her her mixtape. Grr. And I've abstained from the internet until now to keep the phone lines free and wouldn't you know it, no ones updated anything. I'm trying to make my regular rounds to the UBB I frequent, Rapidfax page, my email [which is inaccesible for the moment], and a few other pages and none of them have anything new and/or interesting sicne I was on the internet last. blerg.
Supergrass were on Conan last night. I taped it. That means that the program will be repeating on Star! tonight @ 11. I just might watch it again. It was alright I suppose, it's a repeat from back in May when Gaz had like, no hair. I've seen pictures of him recently from the V2000 festival and thank lord his hair is growing. Not back to his cool sevs shag, but better than the buzz cut. There's nothing worse than when a handsome man sabotages his looks. Or a handsome female for that matter [and I can think of a few examples right now]. It's hard for Supergrass to perform 'Pumping On Your Stereo' live, because there is so much layered backing vocals on the album track that they did in the studio. Plus, the fact that Supergrass have an annoying habit of speeding up so badly on stage. You can see Micky struggling to keep playing the bass part so fast as well as singing 'can you hear us humping on your ster-e-oh-oh' over and over again, the backing vocals virtually alone. Plus Gaz said that they played it better in rehearsals that day and then went on air and it wasn't as good. I think gaz was wearing a leather jacket. I can't decide...it may just have been a shiny windbreaker. LoL. Ok...you have no idea how I just laughed over seeing the words 'shiny' and 'windbreaker' put together. God that cracks me up. Shiny windbreaker. Oh...hold me down. I get this way after thinking of Supergrass or talking about Supergrass. You can't be in a bad mood after thinking about, hearing or seeing Supergrass. Supergrass cracked the secret code that converts sound waves into anti-depressants. There is a formula, and they stole it and are bringing it to the masses. They could take over the world if they wanted to with this gift of theirs. But they won't because they're such unassuming lads. 'I Should Coco' is a round plastic party with a hole in the center. No one can resist it. [I bet it could even 'cure' Amanda from whatever her problem is..].My whole family grooves to it in the car. The video for 'Alright' never fails to make me smile or tingle in my neither regions. [heh. just kidding about that last part. But Gaz in his 'Gaz' t-shirt @ 17 with his sevs shag & his wolfman sidies is just bliss. Even if Alex says he looks like a caveman/werewolf. Well kiss my ass Alex, at least he's not a geriatric 65 year old like all the men you like. You are worse of a reverse paedophile than Amanda or I.] I'm glad I had Supergrass this summer to keep my head above water. I firmly believe however, that it is no accident I threw myself into Supergrass at the same time that I found myself in such a bad situation. I bought the Supergrass cd 3 days before the first confrontation with Amanda and my friends. And in the following weeks I holed up in my room playing the damn thing on repeat sprawled on the floor. Merci Supergrass.

Oh right, shopping yesterday. Well, I was succesful in the accesories department. I didn't actually get any real clothes. I have gotten a pair of new black pants from Sears a few days ago, and another pair or pants is on back order. I've also gotten my 2 Ho Shirts from Fredericton, and 2 more business shirts [white and dark green] this summer, the Cape Breton tshirt and the blue and white hooded shirt from Cape Breton. But otherwise I'm back to the same 3 pieces of clothing I wear over and over because I'm so picky and finnicky about what I wear. I have a whole closet of clothes I never wear because I periodicly banish things from Active Duty. I'm just paranoid and twitchy. Anyway...I did get one pair of pants yesterday, I lied...but there is a 98% chance I'm going to force my mother to take them back [so far she refuses to]. If you knew me you'd know I don't wear jeans. I've owned 2 pairs since the age of 6. I wore the little kiddie jeans as a kid, but I always hated them. 1) because they're so stiff and uncomfortable, 2) because the button was so hard to undo and I was afraid I'd end up wetting myself all the time, and then later in life: 3) because they're so generic and common and EVERYONE wears them. I will always be what everyone ones not. {I decided yesterday that is the only way to describe me. I am what everyone else is not. Sometimes on purpose, sometimes not. I remain polar opposite to everything you can throw at me. Eventually I'll run out of places to stand if I'm the total opposite of everything, I'll end up crouched in the corner, painted in. And then I'll probably kill myself:]} ANYWAY, yesterday my mom bought me a pair of jeans. Not just any jeans too...they have orange-y tiger strips from the knees down. [they're not as bad as you're imagining believe me.] Why do i think they should be returned? A) I have nothing to wear with them. Nothing orange-y or anything. We scoured the mall, which was so picked over as it was and since I'm so picky about the qualifications of my shirts we found NOTHING. B) They were over $100 so if I'm not going to wear them, I will feel bad about doing so. I'm not about to waste $120 of someone elses' money. and C) I'm having second thoughts anyway wihtout all the above. I came home and put them on and looked in the mirror and just said "God, these make me legs look so damn stumpy!" I sat down in them and remembered me not liking the stiffnes of jeans, and the total lack of movability of the material. I guess when i tried them on on a lark in the store and came out of the dressing room the total look of shock on my sister and mother's face encouraged me to buy them. It's not often people look at my clothes and go "Oh my god, that's so cool." My sister and my mom thought they were foxy jeans. They are cool. Just not on me.
I've totally forgotten about ALLL the other stuff I got yesterday: we went to the Shoe Company and spent only 15 minutes there and I found 2 pairs of shoes and a purse...for a grand total or $80. I was so proud everything I found was all on sale. I got a pair of Bongo platform running shoes, pretty much in the same style I've been wearing the past 2 shcool years, except these are grey for $19.99. Totally on sale. Then, I got a pair of Bongo Mary Janes. Actually to look at these shoes I probably wouldn't like them. But I was thinking out loud to mom who said to look for a pair of dressier shows to wear 'to work' [and I haven't even got the job yet.] 'yeah...I'd love a pair of Mary Janes...' when I spotted these. They're grey and black with 10 Cm heels [I dunno what that is in inches, but it's a lot and I'm so delightfully tall in them]. They were like...on sale for $29.99 I think. Oh...and then there's the purse, also a baragin @ $19.99. It's plastic and has butterflies on it. I can't describe it. My sister thinks it's hideous, and it is quite tacky, but I like tacky hideous things. I have the most cutest purses in the world. I have quite a few by now. Anyway, then we were @ a store called Dynamite waiting @ the counter to pay fro something my sister was gettting, and we were looking at the jewwellry in their display case and they had like this faux snake Ponytail holder thing for $5.99 & mom said "I think you need that Colleen." kathryn got a lariat style necklace too, and I said I liked this silver clunky bracelet that had a vague snakelike pattern to it and when mom found out it was only $9.99, mom said "oh...you need that too Colleen." What can I say?...I can't hold my mother back sometimes. Then we went to La Senza, a lingerie store where my sister spent 1/2 an hour trying things on. I was looking for a strapless bra...I tried on a few. They didn't have any in my size, which we finally pinpointed as 36D. So I did the bustier thing and those thigns are AWFUL. But then I spotted some bras and they are so heavenly. They are called Le Senza's Body bras and I swear they are the most perfect bras in the world. For any size. And they have so amny nice colours. Me I took one in white and one in dark grey and got some underwear to match. These bras are simple. Comfortable [you can get them in padded or unpadded and believe it or not i took padded. Not for any extra size, because it doesn't really provide any, not that I need any extra size, but because they are more comfortable and you don't feel the underwire.], simple [no lace or bows or other such sillyness.] pretty much seamless, no breast movement [I coulg jog in these things....with my D cup breasts!]. Please...you will thank me: if there is a La Senza near you, RUN and buy some Body Bras. What else did I get? Oh...@ le Chateau I got 2 ponytail elastics with fake roses on them and a leather cuff [I think like the one Amanda got from Cher for her birthday that I loved so much and was so jeolous of and I've never even seen her wear.Grr.] that's missing one of it's ties. No biggie I'll go to the fabric store tomorrow and fix that.

I think that's it. No real clothes. But lots of accessories. i will be an accesorized raggamuffin this year at school.
I really should get off now and phone Alex. Haven't seen her in like, 2, 2.5 weeks. I've been so frighteningly psychic lately. I caused Brad Renfro to be arrested. It's that time of year again I suppose [sorry Princess Di.] So my point is she may be trying to call me, because that's the way it always works out with us.

Colleen.

Monday, August 28, 2000 11:00 p.m.
New layout. Yeah, it puzzles me too.
I spent nearly 3 hours making a really good layout yesterday. Too bad it wasn't for this site, it was for one of my favorite domain's zine. I've spent waaayy too much time on the net the last few days. Ever since I got back from Cape Breton I haven't been able to stay up to take my walks. This is what happens when you venture back out into civilization for even a few days. And what's with my mom? I could smack her she's pulling some funny shit...what's with waking me up at 2:30? If she knows I went to bed @ dawn, why bother trying to wake me up? She doesn't get the 'I'm going to bed @ 7AM every night mom,' thing. She still thinks it's like only an occasional thing. It's every night! I tried to explain to her that I prefer night time, but I don't want to push the issue because I don't want her to send me back to the therapist. Anyway...maybe tonight I'll make it past 6 Am to take my walk...it's been way over a week. So that's why I've been spending time on the net. It's somehow connected with my constantly changing schedule: all last week I did the daytime thing for my relatives in Cape Breton, and the week before that I was exclusively ngith time except for that one spontaneous trip to Halifax and now this week my mind is like "are we day or night?" I'm caught in the middle is where I am. Oh shit...I just remembered I'm going shopping in Halifax tomorrow. How will that work if I stay up till 7? Because I'll need to take a shower before we go. Oh God I hope my sister is NOT coming. Shopping is such a touchy thing for me as it is without her being around.We're nearing the home stretch tho. She'll be going back to university @ the end of the week. My brothers went to Fredericton with dad yesterday. They'll be gone till the end of the week. Then, when we take Kathryn back to university this weekend [coincidentally also in Fredericton] we'll pick them up from dad's and come home.
Did I update the site? of course not. I have shitloads of screenshots and reviews to put up, but I didn't. I've been busy with that zine layout and making Jamie her mixtape. I finished it last night. I just need her address now. You know, I never did get around to putting up the layout note for the demi-layout Smoke. And the other demi-layout note She's So Loose isn't in the Past layout Note section yet. Shit. It'll just have to wait. So...because there is no note up yet I'll tell you here: the layout is based on a See Spot Run [Canadian Band] song called 'Terrified.' I heard it in the car on the way home from Cape Breton when I was in a rip roaring bad mood. I was upset about school coming up [terrified is more the word. Notice a pattern?], I was missing Amanda and Cherakee, my brothers were pissing me off, I was tired and malnourished and already pissed off about the whole trip in general and I was stuck in a van with my mother's fucking chain smoking, someone else had control of the cd player and was playing The Cape Breton Chorale and the Pokemon cd so loud that I could hear it above my own discman which was already turned up to maximum, making my ears and head hurt. yeah....I was homicidal. But then I heard this song. Always one I liked anyway. To see the lyrics and hear a 90 second clip go here. oh, and that's a picture of Rose McGowan.

It was on this day last year I dyed my hair black. I never fully explained the circumstances surrounding my sudden hair change to anyone, but it is indeed a sad anniversary. Not because I horrificly ruined my hair or anything...just the events that lead me to. And somehow, tied into my black hair, and the events leading up to my black hair there's this: a letter from Amanda. Sent on this day last year. I've kept it for a whole year. In fact I've printed it out, and put a copy in my special box that I got for my birthday, that's reserved for memories and momentos of Amanda & Cherakee. It's all connected trust me. What makes the occasion all the worse is that her email basically saved my life,and I find myself a year to the day later without her. It just adds to it.

Colleen.
P.S: Supergrass is on Conan tomorrow night. Finally. Oh...and I really like the picture I put up in here. It's so autumn. I love Autumn.