sase2901&09:55 p.m. / NO SWEEPING EXITS, NO OFFSTAGE LINES
audio:
ok. she's been in utero for about a month now. it's time for her to take over from the rapidly decaying snogged. i think this is it. goodnight snogged, get yourself some chapstick.
;graceless lady [HARLIS_]
[ cue the tumbleweeds ]
Friday, September 28, 2001&05:10 p.m. / n/a
audio: warm heart, cold hands, yucky tummy
dear any interested party within the bridgewater town limits:
by order of the king, colleen is giving away magazines. come over and get 'em. even if i'm not home [6-9]. peoples, old yms, lots of stuff. the big tv box in the middle of my new nunnery spartan polished bedroom. take what you want. someone tell cherakee.
suse2301&04:01 p.m. / every single fallout
audio: fifteen feet of pure white snow - nick cave
i am researching human statistics from hiroshima for my global history course. in the process, i am learning a lot. the popular figure is 200,000. hmm. i wonder if the americans beleive in karma?
from the workers daily [internet edition], an issue from 2000, encountered in my travels:
"Fifty-five years after the first use of nuclear weapons in warfare, these weapons of mass destruction have still not been banned, as is the demand of the world's people. Rather, the big powers, led by US imperialism, have used their monopoly of these weapons as a form of blackmail against other countries and the world's people, to get them to do their bidding. At the same time, they have used the pretext of the possession of "weapons of mass destruction" to keep in place the genocidal sanctions against Iraq. They have used the pretext of the alleged development of nuclear weapons by "rogue states" to blockade the DPRK and increase tension on the Korean Peninsula, while now beginning a new arms race, the "National Missile Defence" system.
"
and to think americans asked "why?" on september 11th.
no one deserves this. not hiroshima, not new york city. it's not deserved...but it's also neither 'senseless' nor surprising. unfortunately.
suse2301&02:24 p.m. / bury me in sorrow, cover me in joy
audio: icebox - nada surf
see? i knew there weren't enough celebrities killed....
and here's the reason why, according to mrshowbiz:
-the duchess of york was due at a meeting on the 101st floor of one of the wtc buildings, where her charity is based. she was running late. and pulled up minutes after the plane hit. her employess were waiting for her in the lobby, and they all piled into her limo and off they went.
-jackie chan was supposed to be filming for his film nosebleed atop one of the wtc buildings starting at 7:30 am. a late script cancelled the shoot.
-julie from the real world new orleans opted not to go on flight 11 from boston to la, where she was supposed to visit her boyfriend, after they had an argument.
-whatshisname, the creator dude of the family guy [i forget his name] was late for flight 11. he arrived just as boarding was closed. he said he would usually bug the airline people to let him board, but that morning decided not to and sat and waited in the terminal. 20 or so minutes later while still in the terminal, he found out that flight 11 had crashed into the wtc, he said he just stared ahead in shock.
and man...i find this sad, because i loved murder in small town x, and i missed the last episode, and therefore never found out who actually won. well, angel the firefighter from the bronx won, apparently. and he's also among the missing. talk about luck he just won all this money about a month ago...
frse2101&11:26 p.m. / waiting for the streets to burn
audio: the ocean - matthew good band
COLLEEN (in chipper retail vox): "just to let you know we've got a buy one get the second half off going on right now. and that applies to all pants, including denim and fleece, and sweaters. this might be a good time to start your christmas shopping!..."
CUSTOMER (matter of factly): "if there IS a christmas..."
COLLEEN : .......(blink.blink.).....
frse2101&03:36 p.m. / you know it's the answer
audio: faking - elastica
people! you need to inform me when i leave my italics open! the entire frigging page was italicised, and for like...10 years! i shudder to think how long i would've gone on before i realised....
i won zis the other day. i'm so excited for my new/old freaky soviet kamera. kompakt automat! so much for my big paycheque. a donation and a kamera and i'm spent.
wese1901&04:56 p.m. / carpet burns and bruises blue
audio: miss world (demo) - hole
i've been up rather late the past couple of nights, with english work and the like. but i've gotten a chance to watch the late night talk shows. i was unsure whether they'd be on this week, as it seems almost inconceivable to entertain at the moment, and they must be having a hell of a time getting guests there. but anyway, there was letterman, conan and kilborn. i didn't see the tonight show...but i'd be surprised if it wasn't on, yet the new york shows were. anyway, dan rather was on letterman monday. and he started crying. he was trying to recite a verse of this american song and he cracked. and it was the sweetest thing: he apologized, but letterman just took his hand and said "good christ you're human too, i don't know how you've managed to be on air all this past week." and everyone applauded. but dan rather said something that was so important. and i hope that because he's dan rather people will listen to him. after he recovered, he said "i think there's a rage in every american right now. and i know it's hard, but i think we have to swallow it for the time being. the next couple of weeks calls for level headedness." yes.
and last night conan, gauged the feeling in new york, and inadvertantly, the rest of the world too. he said "there's such a deep depression in new york right now. tuesday and wednesday were full of panic and action: people rushing out to help, to give blood, and now the panic has subsided and a sort of helplessness has settled over the city. a deep deep depression." that's the way it is everywhere. that's the way it is at my school. i feel it. it's sunk in. we go on. and wait for the Next Step. we know that the americans have to go kill some more people to Make Up For It now. we know we might get dragged into it. we know that an entirely unsavoury course of events from which we cannot turn back, has been put into action. thats the rock in the bottom of your stomach all day at school. from heart of darkness:
"extreme grief may ultimately vent itself in violence - but more generally takes the form of apathy..."[conrad, 47]
it's amazing how it's the comedians who have it right, and not the over blown politicians or stiff news anchors. even the pundits are saying the gov't handled it so well. but that's shit. they're tapping into the natural human rage, and covering over their tracks with it. they've swept everything under the rug. bush is yammering ON and ON about democracy being attacked. NO. THAT'S NOT IT. does the average american citizen know what it's government has done to other countries in the name of democracy? because either the government doesn't want you to know, or you're not interested enough in other parts of the world, ie: NOT north america.... it's not the first war of the 21st century...you know the fires of the 20th century are still burning! they didn't extinguish at the turn of the millenium, they carried over. people fight all over the wrold. but out of sight, out of mind right? the middle east is so far away. and if we don't have to see the motherless children we've caused with some bullying bomb or another, then it's all alright, isn't it?
he says "smoke 'em out." he says "dead or alive", and the tv plays it and plays it again. and the nation boils. but as long as the nation is provoked, maybe they won't notice that your policies are shite, and may have caused this, and that you've bombed them a couple times with just as much "collateral damage" and that your ace c.i.a. were out taking a piss, on a BIG PILE of BILLIONS OF DOLLAR BILLS while the terrorists played target practice with your twin towers!
i woke up this morning with the imprint of my nails in my palm. i had been sleeping with clenched fists. i woke up the other morning with a numb spot on my tongue, from where i'd been biting it in my sleep.
tuse1801&03:46 p.m. / in a building that has 2000 floors, & when they all fall down...
audio: world ends in the morning - republica
it's been a week? it has?
mose1701&11:13 p.m. / how long? how long must we sing this song?
audio: n/a
sunday bloody sunday among many songs banned from radio in light of recent tragedies
IS IT JUST ME OR IS SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY A COMPLETELY APPROPRIATE SONG TO BE PLAYING RIGHT ABOUT NOW? WHY SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY? W H Y?
we can be as one tonight-SBS, u2
sase1501&03:36 p.m. / you can say it one more time....
audio: dying isn't easy - damon albarn
gbook.nu not working, robin: "i don't think we're heroes man...what we did was NOTHING in comparison to what some brave people have done, and are doing right now. but it was all that we COULD do. we can't grab a shovel and head on up to new york. but we could do this...and i'm glad that you respect that, and i hope my classmates do as well. i do not want to come to school monday to find any signs defaced or torn down.
and i'm also glad to see that you're pitching in. ribbons is a great idea hun...and like i said: if WE'RE frightened here in n.s., you must be shitting yourself in n.j.
don't apologize that the article frightened me. that was just my take on it. it just felt a wee bit fanatical to me, but that's just my interpretation of it. and i think that you hae nothing to fear about people from other countries supporting you: everyone feels your loss, and is pledging to help. not just because we are saddened by the losses and devastation, but becuase we also want terrorism to stop, and it is not inconceivable that something like this could've happened to someone else. so in memory of all who have died or been devastated and all that WILL die and BE devastated should terrorism be allowed to continue. this doesn't need to happen again. we got your back, because, unfortunately...something has to be done."
so...yesterday after school alex wandered into the yearbook room where i was making signs and asked me about a party tonight. i couldn't understand what she was talking about. she said "blow...it came out this week...." my. god. you see, since i saw the movie and fell in love this april i have been ranting to my friends about it...how when it comes out on video, i was going to snap it up and force everyone to come over to my house and watch it. and you know what? i completely forgot it was coming out this week. up until last week i was anticipating it's release, and how it coincides with a pay week etc... but...i just ...forgot. and you know why? probably becuase it is completely unimportant now. alex wanted to know if it was still going on. it took only a second for me to consider "no. it's not..." i said. bandits is still in it's wrapper. because i couldn't bring myself to watch it last night, i'm not getting blow. i'm sending the money i would've spent on blow to the red cross! how am i supposed to enjoy myself? HOW?
i slept last night. for a full 12 hours. but then woke up feeling like i was going to puke. i must go finish heart of darkness now. i have massive amounts of schoolwork to do, because i've squandered all my time in front of cnn this week.
frse1401&11:32 p.m. / saw the back of your sweet mother's head
audio: the hideout - sarah harmer
so today at school we participated in the moment of silence that our premiere ordered. it was the first official mention of tuesday's attacks. i've heard that in many schools on tuesday that it was announced that the wtc had been attacked/fallen straight down to the goddamn ground...but not our schools. a teacher or two turned on their tvs. otherwise we relied on some pretty heavy misinformation brought to us by students with cars who would go home and come back [at one point the mall of america, the whitehouse and a subway in new york had also been hit...as far as we had been told...] i expected an assembly the next day. or the guidance counsellor to get on the p.a. and offer...well...guidance. but none came. and everyone's fears mounted. every spare starts out as a quiet homework session...but always degenerates into talk of what's happened, what's happening, and what's going to happen. and so on the FOURTH day we finally hear from the office. the premiere wants a minute of silence, so it'll be at 10:30. you can get some teachers to talk. but otherwise, you just hear about it as you pass each and every person in the hall. and i've heard some pretty ridiculous things.
so amanda and i were talking via icq last night. that nothing had been said. that student council was not up and running and it's their department to donate money and stuff, and it will be some time before they will be able to do that. what will be done for now? well amanda came early this morning and i brought a bunch of my cardboard and we made signs. fuck, we just wanted some ACKNOWLEDGEMENT! someone to say "yes! the twin towers fell on tuesday! the pentagon is being left to burn! some pretty desperate people preyed on our already heightened uneasiness about air travel and turned it into an all out PHOBIA by using not one but four airplanes as bombs! thousands are dead! the economy will likely nosedive! war will result, perhaps even involving the nato countries! WW3 is possible, and very fucking ugly should it occur! they just might use nukes! you are not as safe as you thought you are! and i'm scared! who else?" my GOD someone SAY IT!
so we did.
amanda made a couple that said "and i draw a line/ to your heart today/ from your heart to mine/ a line to keep us safe." i had icq-ed that to her last night and apparently she shivered. and then during my spare, i made 4 more...i made one that said "we hurt each other then we do it again" for beside the grad room. and i put one RIGHT by the staffroom door that said CANADIANS DON'T HAVE TO DIE FOR CANADIANS TO BE AFFECTED. 'WE'RE ONE BUT WE'RE NOT THE SAME. WE'VE GOT TO CARRY EACH OTHER, CARRY EACH OTHER...' because they made it seem this morning that the only reason we were having the moment of silence because there were canadians in the wtc towers...but if our countrymen had come out unscathed, well, we wouldn't be BOTHERING....i put a big huge one in the cafeteria, the popular hang out that added to the 'one line' verse...i included the verse about the wall and war. and then after school, i stayed an hour and made more and ended up putting 7 more up. i put the kids help phone number up in the grade 7 wing becase...well, let's face it: if i'm frightened, then they're pissing themselves. i put phone numbers and addresses where you can donate money to the red cross. i was worried i'd get in trouble for not asking..but ms. stockdale said they were beautiful and told me to put more up. and apparently mr. anderson, some grade 8 math teacher is going nuts over the one line quote and wants to know who pj harvey is. ms. stockdale told us to go find him on monday and show him the pj cd. our school is pj-fied...and hopefully fortified. i hope the students feel a little better. and i'm so fucking sorry that the students had to do all this and not the administration. think about it. i plastered red cross numbers everywhere...does this strike you as something that is up to me to do? no. where is our fucking administration? i considered making and putting up a sign that said "the students are frightened. bhs, say something." but knew i'd get in mucho trouble. sigh. i'll call our local red cross and see if i can get permission to pass the hat around at school.
and today...just as poor robert phillips was trying to make sense of lecain's complicated philosophy on facts using tuesday's attacks as an analogy beleive it or not [that poor kid won't leave it alone! i haven't heard him say 2 things in my life before this. now he's all questions and concerns...the poor kid...], our emergency air raid siren went off. it tests every wednesday at noon. but today wasn't wednesday, and i JUMPED. the firehouse is right near the school and i was at a part of the school that is particularly close. and it wailed for a full minute. apparently it was planned, but no one told me. it was so scary. y'know, i used to look forward to the wednesday tests. i thought it was beautiful. i don't think i can again...
actually robin....that thing you posted that that canadian anchor said frightened the pants off me. i can't even articulate it right now...but it...worries me. i mean everything is a MESS right now. a mess! everyone is...not themselves, and so emotional so drunk. it's jsut like being drunk. so just shut up. refrain everyone. you know you're messed up, so shut up. everyone get in their little coma beds and have a wee sleep and wake up WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES RATIONAL. what the anchor said may or amy not have been true. but...let's not canonize anyone yet. this may sound incredibly cold hearted but: let's not yammer on about good st. america who loved till her arms fell off. you never wanna speak ill of someone at their funeral [not that america is at her funeral...but you know what i mean...]...especially when everyone is yammering on and on about how the deceased loved til it's arms fell off. i just...i just don't think it helps to have the whole of america to read that and be all "hey! he's right! we ARE! we ALWAYS get the short end of the stick! woe is US! goddamn it we're so harddoneby, why have been overly reasonable for way too long now, it's time we gave 'em what we should have given 'em long long ago!" it's fuel for an already raging fire. obviously this is the way that whoever did this feels about their country. there are too many fanatics. let's not create any new ones. it riles the hate in everyone. no more hate. please.
i guess what i'm saying is that america doesn't need to get a martyr complex right now. people are going to be killed because of the people that already have been killed...and america needs not a choir of angels singin' over their shoulders as They Make It Right [Holy Holy Hallelujah!] you understand they have to kill some people now ["have" to kill people. apparently, yes they do have. to kill some people now...so i'm told.] and it's... tricky. it needs to be navigated skillfully. anger makes you a bit lead footed, just like the drink does. let's not be drunk while we do this ok?
oh shit. i editorialized. i didn't meant to. oh well...i'll let it stand...
thse1301&11:25 p.m. / creation, baby, fails again
audio: n/a
oh my god yahoo has pictures taken by one, john labriola...who worked in the 1st wtc on the 71st floor. he took pictures on the way down the stairs. and here they are. these people...these hands on the railings...are they alive?
and although i hate to admit it...the first picture of the businessman in the middle of a smouldering street is oddly, eerily beautiful.
thse1301&03:55 p.m. / all of us are done for [we live in a beautiful world?]
audio: don't panic - coldplay
and we're turning into terrorists ourselves
and i don't know about anyone else...but this is payweek for my family and i. dad was paid today. i will be paid tomorrow, and A LOT. my biggest paycheque ALL year. i will have over $100 CDN at my disposal for the first time ina long time. i can't think of a more suitable place for a chunk of it:
American Red Cross Disaster Relief Fund
P.O. Box 37243
Washington, D.C. 20013
or...
wese1201&09:11 p.m. / we hurt each other then we do it again
audio: weakened state - sarah harmer
i've put my finger on it. so many are dead and that in itself is a tragedy, and yes i would be saddened and horrified if they had simply used a bomb, but they didn't and somehow it's more potent because they did not. what did they use instead? they used us. they turned humans into bombs. loss....loss is bad enough. but the fear? that twists the blade.
and tonight i went to work not knowing what to expect. i read the coach's organizer where we're given our goals for the day and encouraging words and today this is what was written in regards to our sales performance for the week [we were up for the week]: "not bad considering World Events. remember, all the extra planes in halifax, and some people are staying right here in Bridgewater. Use the BOGO [buy one, get one] to sell outfits. 2 or 3 pieces. don't stop until the customer tells you to!". i couldn't beleive it. i really didn't feel like selling ugly sweaters for my company tonight. they were salivating at all of our unexpected extra tourists. they're not tourists. they never meant to be here...
there was not a single newspaper to be had in bridgewater tonight except for our own bridgewater bulletin, which is weekly and published last night and...useless. last time this happened they huddled around the family radio. me? i sit in front of some newfangled thing called the internet with my television on, volume up metres away in my room. and i can watch the pentagon burn, live. i watched the wtc collapse and collapse and collapse and collapse. this technology. it helps, it hinders.
i don't see this mess as ever being cleaned up. maybe it's early but i don't see anything as being right ever again...with myself, and with everything... i worried i would live to see war. i thought i almost might. i knew the empire would crumble, but i was hoping in my selfish way that my children and i would be long gone by then. and i was just thinking that monday night. i guess i shouldn't have opened my mouth.
memphis. dear god if i haven't seen the footage enough times, and from every angle and every speed too. i thought it was most horrible the first time i saw it. but it took on a new dimension as i watched it on mute with pj harvey's "memphis" playing on my tapedeck. quickly followed by 'take to the sky' by tori amos. robin's mixtape.
and for some reason i worry about pj harvey and doubt i'll be able to listen to 'stories from the city, stories from the sea' ever ever again... kamikaze. this world's crazy, gimme a gun. all trying to do something no one else has done.
and it affects some people much more than others. i myself am really extremely upset about it. most of my friends are but...i am worrying about every facet of it. the economy, the impact. and i look around at people i only sort of know at school...and there's this one boy who seems just fucking torn apart by it. his name is robert phillips and he may be older than me but he's in my grade and i've never spoken to him. he had so many questions in canadian history on tuesday when lecain let us have a whole class to worry. and then today in global history, he had yet more questions and he pulled at his hair as he asked them. he's fixated. he's broken up over it. and i made a point to watch the lofters last night to see what their take was on it. and it seems like mathieu and tre have really been impacted. i mean, i know everyone feels badly...sandy didn't wake up when tre told her about it, valery at first seemed really upset but then quickly started arguing over where her milk went and even said "so because you used my milk for the money shot last week, i don't get any milk in my coffee this morning?" and tre was like "milk in your coffee? valery...thousands of people are dead. you are NOT. in fact you were in new york just DAYS ago. and you're worried about the milk in your coffee?" tre of all people. i did not expect him. i did not expect robert phillips. i expected mathieu. some people seem to really grasp it. i don't believe i'm being an alarmist here, but war is almost unavoidable. nato supports the us. article 5. so let's see...the nato countries vs. terrorists and the country that protects them. sounds like world war to me.
and you cruise livejournal and the little girls are still agonizing over their boyfriends and their cutting problems and the cds they want to buy.
i'm standing up there in a weakened state. and it's not great....
tuse1101&04:34 p.m. / fighting the urge to throw up
audio: cbc news
"the world we live in tonight is not the same as the world we lived in this morning."- premiere bernard lord.
today in history, second class my favorite teacher and native new yorker mr. lecain talked to us about this harvard professor who believes we have 4 intellectual biases. the only one he managed to cover before the bell was that we as human need to believe that we have improved, that progress has been made. he talked about keyboards and why the keys are not in alphabetical order, and what we think about that. he used the analogy of a coach addressing his shitty team at the end of year banquet. what is the coach going to say? "well guys...we started off *really* well, really strong etc etc..." or just the plain truth? "listen, we did pretty badly this year. it could be my coaching, it could be our competition etcetc..." and now here i sit, seeing what lecain meant as giuliani goes on and on about how much new yorkers rock, and how things are going to be ok, how they're the best people on earth...only to be told half an hour later that the some official at the site of the trade centers says that it is still too dangerous to approach the wreckage. and that he/she feels the situation is "hopeless." thank you for your candor, it was refreshing. devastating, if not refreshing...
the cbc anchor...i don't even know his name keeps sighing. my god man STOP IT! suck it up and deliver the news. this is not the time...
so after global history there was a short recess where we were let into the grad room for the first time, and i was dumbly excited to be the first one in the room. we were all then muchly dissappointed once we got in there...it's a bunch of old ugly peices of furniture and bare walls. no one has brought in anything cool like a tv or a stereo. so we quickly left. i went on to crs, and my crs teacher came in and announced that some planes have been flown into the world trade centers, that the staff are all wathcing it on tv in the staff room. no one really registered the magnitude of the situation, until mr. smith said that they were commercial planes, probably hijacked and made a rough estimate of how many people would be in each tower, and how likely they would be to survive it. and the guy beside me said: "cool." i just looked at him.
i went on to drama after that and my drama teacher left to go take a look at the tv because she might know someone who works in the wtc...we sort of discussed it, and she came back to tell us that the first building had fallen. and by the time i got home for lunch after that class the second one had come down too, and the pentagon [the pillar of security in many people's minds including my own] has been hit too. i'm sitting on the floor, staring at it, and i glance to my right at amanda and for some reason i see her adidas flip flops and i feel my stomach lurch and i jsut want to kill those god damn sandals! they make me so angry at that moment because they are so_unimportant. adidas sandals for fuck's sake! PITIFUL in worth, compared to safety. my left arm for some security at that moment...for which i'd trade a zillion pairs of adidas fucking sandals.
i found my mother, just as i expected, nose to cnn, as she is a sucker for tragedy and a cnn whore...the world stops when there's a crisis and jean hennan follows it intently and it usually means we're having take out for dinner. and indeed we did, despite the fact that my mother professes to be broke until payday on thursday. i felt so badly leaving her to go back to school [i had a europe trip meeting...however at this point i didn't feel especially like getting on a goddamned airplane at anypoint in my life ever again. i'll walk thank you.] because she seemed pretty upset.
i had a spare and spent it in the new grad room [at recess we were so excited and couldn't believe we were actually grads. now...it just doesn't seem so fucking important...] trying valiantly to do some english homework, but just couldn't. everyone was talking and this guy came in and said something about the white house being hit [which i sort of didn't really believe because just 30 minutes ago i had been home and they had said the white house was all evacuated except for the 'situation' room.] and also some subway being held hostage. there was no truth about a subway being held hostage.
and through it all i still have time to be shocked at my classmate's ignorence. there is no such country as 'palestinia'. in my canadian history class [again with mr. lecain], we looked to him to explain it all to us and not just because he is from new york himself, but because he has stood in front of us and taught us about all these tragedies from the past and tried to impress upon us the point of a history class, the point of learning history is so that we don't fuck it up again like we hav before. he's a brilliant man, although he denies it, and he took an entire class to 'answer our questions'...he drew a map of new york on the board to explain that new york was islands and this is brooklyn where he's from, and this is manhatten and here's where the wtc would be and as he's drawing this map the class starts giggling. i cannot believe. yes, long island looks like a giant dick but is this really the time to be laughing about it? so finally he says "i suppose you're all laughing because the map looks like a big penis?" and people roar. i find it all extremely surreal. but i don't exactly put it past my classmates. i passed silly little girls in tank tops through the halls and caught snippets of the most ridiculous conversations about it. and i was so dismayed at some of the flippance i heard in the tone of their voices. do they not understand what this could lead to? the u.s. will retaliate. and who knows what could happen from there...cherakee remarked about learning the timeline of the month leading up to the declaration of WW2 just this past may. our teacher was very in depth and sometimes the events were hour to hour, and mr. le cain's message which he stressed over and over was "a war could have been avoided if everyone just calmed down and took time to think." the u.s. has a few weeks at most to find the responsible party and basically kill them. as mr. lecain said today "there is not much satisfaction in finding someone guilty in an international trial when so many people have died." the americans are angry, and rightfully so. they want fucking heads.
yeah they want heads...i know they do, maybe i would too, i think it's one of those primal urges that remain today in our domesticated state...but, man how do you ask the americans to deny themselves their retribution? leave it at the one eye to possibly save so much. but america was emasculated today. and america is going to take it's revenge no matter what it might lead to...and i think everybody knows that another war at this point is going to cost too too much...and considering how much it cost in the 1940s? a third world war is simply put: not just unwinnable, but unsurvivable.
i worry about the people who survived who work in the wtc... what will they do for jobs whne the mess is all cleaned up. i worry about the businesses that just exploded. i just saw an image of the streets around the wtc and there is paper everywhere. they've lost their computers and their networks and data...i asked mr. lecain what was in that building and he said "everything." insurance etc. important things. i worry about the effect this will have on air travel and in turn the economy...how much did these terrorists cost new york today? the cost of medical supplies, emergency workers, cleanup crews [eventually]. the worth of the 4 planes alone. the wing of the pentagon had been newly renovated. it seems that the only people benefitting [financially] from all this is the undertakers and headstone makers.
and it's here. it's right fucking here. i don't know how many kms i am from new york, or washington or any of the harder hit places but somehow...it's ended up in my backyard. it's in EVERYONE'S backyards. because there are something like 50 planes on a tarmac at the halifax airport an hour away. there are people jsut SITTING in these planes who can't leave until the rcmp safety sweep their plane which takes an hour and a half. there will be people in planes on a tarmac an hour away for the remainder of the night and at least most of tomorrow because if you do the math..50 planes, over an hour each. that's actually two days. there's mess with passports and places for them to stay after they've gotten off the planes. and my premier has announced that they're sending things to protect our gas. sable island is being protected because we provide americans gas.
i was supposed to babysit this afternoon from 3:30 until this evening for the kids with the heavily political parents. they were going to a dinner which our prime minister was supposed to attend. he obviously can't get here, and probably wouldn't even if he could.
and it's funny how my first thought was internet people. i thought in my head "oh no! kimberly!" and then realised that she's safe [hopefully] at university. i thought of robin in nj, and mr. lecain said that you can see the wtc from jersey. and then i worried about sarah getting to and from work. they're closing the borders. i hope she's not stuck there. and now the president Who may Or May Not Save Us All is in a bunker in nebraska. meg. i hope they're all ok.
and...for some odd reason the words of a beastie boy rang through my head all day. does anyone remember the mtv awards a few years back...i guess it was 1999, when the besaties got the video vanguard? i can't remember which beastie said it...but he said something to the effect of "americans don't realise how many enemies they have. don't think for a second we're not at the top of everyone's hitlists..." and man...it was so easy. i thought the pentagon was impenetratable. how come no one did it long ago? americans have been coasting too long on their big bad image. but in reality, they folded so cheaply and every american thought they were safe, but some clever fox managed to topple 3 paragons of power. in_one_day. is rome burning?
what's the motherfucking point?
mose1001&04:40 p.m. / you can't get your money back
audio: fire up the batmobile - liz phair
so yes...i forgot to mention that the general theme of my various daily notes' covers [there's 6 in total...i did 3 of them....] was fairy tale princesses [i have a longstanding love affair with the grimm princesses and female leads and their latterday disney imposters] and halloween. but gothic halloween...edgar allen/munsters y'know, that groovy pagan vibe. you can tell i've been listening to too much poe. i was an obsess-y little child, but my chief obsession was halloween and death/scary things. halloween was the day. i still trick or treat at 17, and i've thrown my share of howlin' all hallows shindigs. anyway. yes. but my whole point here today was that yes, i took my daily notes in to be checked and everyone agrees that they're the dogscunt of dailynotes. unanimous.
ok and i meant to snog this about 12 million years ago and about 12 million times since...mostly because it keeps happening. or wait..did i snog this? hrm. who knows? i'll reiterate if i have already mentioned: is it not terribly rude to ask a person if they've lost weight? ESPECIALLY in front of like, EVERYONE? i wandered up to the front of penny's classroom today to find a binder in order to pass something in, and as i approached him, he started giving me the stare so i stopped and obligingly stared back [i make it a point to NEVER look away. fucker can't intimidate me.] and then slowly he says to me "i want to ask you a question..." and then i get it, and our class of 12 heard him ask me "have you lost weight?" LE FUCKING SIGH. i hear like, a quietness that i don't recall being there before but maybe i'm paranoid. i shake my head no, and then things suddenly get non-quiet again in what feels like a hurry to me, but again: i am a particularly paranoid person. he keeps at it though "were you exercising over the summer...etc?" and i keep denying it and lamely suggest that maybe it's because my hair is so long [?]...he says no, and maybe at this point he realises that i am being as politely forceful as i can, without losing the 'polite' part and am just not going to say anything but "no, i don't think so...no, not really..." cos he says something to brush it all off like "i certainly gained it..." anyway. it bothers me, and i was under the impression that it was incredibly rude and would not ever say it to anyone. perhaps it's not so bad in a two person conversation...but in a mother fucking crowd!?!? it happens at work...a certain friend of my mother's makes a point to come in and ask me, and i guess she thinks she's complimenting me, but i just say "no, northern reflections clothes are just awfully big..." and there are customers EVERYWHERE and suddenly everyone is looking at your body and evaluating you and trying to notice The Big Change etc etc and you just want to tell them all to fuck off and exit the room, cursing the whole way out. but not when you're at work and Being Professional. and not when you're at school and Trying To Behave and Not Piss Off Your English Teacher.
am i crazy? am i? is it not one of those things that are meant to be said appraisingly, but end up totally opposite? a compliment that ends up being more insulting than anything else? because when you exclaim "my you've lost weight!" or "have you lost weight?" to me instead i hear "hey you used to be quite the monstrosity! i think i speak for everyone when i say i'm glad you've made the change..."
oh god, worst of all: one of the last times that i babysat for the snow kids over the summer, mrs. snow's mother was visiting and really, i barely recall meeting the mother the 2 or 3 times that i did, i couldn't believe that she'd remember me, the lowly babysitter and ESPECIALLY in so much detail. cos when they came home she whooped "OH MY GOD GIRL ARE YOU EVER GETTING THIN!!! LET ME SEE YOU, TURN AROUND!" i TRIED valiantly to laugh it off and shrug but she would not...stop. she pressed on, despite the fact that i tried to tell her that really i haven't "SO, HOW MUCH HAVE YOU LOST?..." she wanted numbers, she wanted FIGURES for chrissake...she wanted a mother fucking PIE CHART! oh pie...how ironic. and i'm stuttering out "our scale doesn't really work...i wouldn't know anyway...i *really* don't think i have, y'know.." and all the while i'm trying to give mr. snow a dozen phone messages while he finds money for me, and i'm packing up the playdoh that i was playing with jenna and jenna isn't wanting me to leave, and it's a circus, yet pam's mother is practically busting out the tapemeasure for crying out loud! finally she starts talking about how long my hair is and how much i am starting to look like my mother [and i'm like "when the fuck has she ever met my mother?] and how "that's not a bad thing, you're mother is a beautiful person..." gahd. at any rate, i escaped and walked home bewildered and told mom what she'd said about her being so beautiful and stuff and my bitter old mother snorted sarcastically [to which i replied "stop it mum, don't break my heart....you know you're a beauty queen" but then she said "yeah...in what lifetime." grr. shutup ma.] and i repeated the stuff she said about me and i kept saying to my mom "but isn't that rude?" to which mum just shrugged her shoulders and said "not in her mind. she didn't mean to be rude..."
i have to go nature walk and lick the fucking autumnlicious shite off the sidewalk for monsier le penny. perhaps on my journeys i will select a delightfully large autumnlicious stick with which to shove up his arse upon my return to his dungeon-classroom.
cos my english class is too pennylicious for ya babe.
suse901&06:26 p.m. / drag you out of the hole you dug yourself
audio: ymaelodi a'r ymylon - super furries!
this is the funkiest song in the entire world. second place grooviest at the world championships, too. miss congeniality in the silliest category [winner: poodle rockin' by gorky's zygotic mynci. another welsh band. geez these welsh....] the song is entirely in welsh [as the band is WELSH...] man, welsh is...well a language yes... but... a good one. not that there are BAD languages persay...just that i wasn't really sure what i was trying to say back there. it happens. regularly.
well add printer to the list of things that guy fucked up on my computer. he msut've taken a cord with him for the scanner. fuckity fuck.
but seriously robin, can i have the whole mixtape please? amanda's side is more me...but the me side is me TOO! lookatthat. hmmm. well there's only one solution really...colleen keeps 'er all!
wow i ate a huge thing of spaghetti upon arising this morning [lie: afternoon]...and then resorted to a handful of chocolate chips and some brown sugar around 4:30 and now mom's bbqing. i am back to two meals AND snacking...amd it's all my job's fault. i spent at least 28 hours at the store this week, and there was so much candy all around and i went insanse and ate so much of it cos...i was tired and all arg!y and basically everyone was so that's why the candy was there. my tongue doth protest. sugar sores are bitches. anyway. i am also teething beleive it or not, and i feel like i need to be gumming something at all times. this is not helping. teething at 17. lordness. i can't put my teeth together because the place where the tooth is gonna break through soon is so PUFFY and SWOLLEN that i can't fit my teeth together. TEETHING! i thought i was done with all that crap.
oh yeah...when i wws in halifax on tuesday, dad took me to this staples to get a daily notes book, and basically they built this big 'ol new staples on a really SEEDY street. a street i had surprisingly never been on. well it was beautifully run down and i was going INSANE. here was this big mammoth red staples store with underground parking and all the kings horses and all the kings men...just buildings away from a salvation army rehab. it was SO beuatiful this rehab...and i had neither film nor camera on me. so, dad continued driving on this street that basically got seedier and seedier as we went along and he actually said to me "you just can't take it all in, can you?" with a chuckle when he noticed my head whipping around frantically. it's hard to look at both sides of a street in a moving auto. write that down folks, that's wisdom.
le sigh. speaking of daily notes... i did my cover last night and i am sorry to report that it is the most unfortunately...bad daily notes cover in the entire world. ai can't put my finger on what's wrong with it...jsut that it's wrong. or rather it's not right. i kept thinking "it's not as good as last year's!" and then i glanced over at last year's and...i hate that too. why did i ever like that? that's...hideous. it's ALMOST good...i had the background and foreground right...but i added too many little things. arg. if i had a scanner i couls illustrate my point. and alex came over to pick up her backpack today, and i wanted to show her to see if she could help me pinpoint what is so fucking WRONG with the damn thing but i misplaced my pyjamas and by the time i found them and came downstairs i ahd jsut missed her. however, since i didn't hear her car, i didn't realise that she had been over yet...and mom was on the phone. so i sat around and waited a bit and finally mom said that alex had already been and gone. shite.
anyway, i still have mucho work to do...all sorts of english definitions. wait..are they due? i need to start them, sure...but my printer,as i've already stated is magically missing a cord...and i can't have them done for tomorrow if i have to do them by hand. wait, and di i ahve to take a walk? cos the sun is going down...yikes better check the old binder...audios....
sase801&07:03 p.m. / i was happy being quiet, but of course they wouldn't leave me alone
audio: last goodbye (acoustic) - jeff buckley
girl revived by dinner. and the crowd clapped and cheered. hurrah. my first actual dinner since tuesday. it's been candy and fast food since then. dear god i'm so disgusting.
the ratios are off. and the crowd gasped and blinked. yeah, let's put this into perspective. what happens when the ratio of work/school/stress + extremely poor diet outweighs sleep and all the other good things? i can't describe it but...i am it. so so so tired but i don't think i can sleep...mostly because i've been running on adrenaline and sugar [fake adrenaline] for the past 3 days. essentially asleep all this time, a bed feels funny. the floor of the stockroom and a bag of garbage is somehow much more sane.
things to say:
1)my computer is FUCKED. colours messed up. some guy who thinks he knows about computers who mom went to high school with was here on of the days i was at work and tried ONCE AGAIN to get my scanner working. in the process he unplugged my light, internet conenction, and speakers...made everything on my desktop HUGE [fixed that] and all my colours are fucked worse. ARG. colleen's computer, no touchy.
2)i am sitting here in an extremely tight shirt. it's a child's XL. what is the equivalent in adult? s? or m? either way it is not colleen's size, but it has colleen's name on the front and she's stuck with it. i got it in halifax on tuesday. i couldn't find the t shirt making store. but we found this other one and i ended up w/ a child's baseball pink and white baseball tee which i paid to have my name put on. it's stretchy and my mom tried o have it stretched. no go. FUCK. $30 down the hole. i wanna wear my motherfucking shirt. maybe i'll give it to one of my SKINNY friends and see how they get on with it. they'll have to change their names, but they'll have a new shirt with the best name in the world on it...
3) robin have fun at pj tonight. and can i have amanda's side of our mixtape too? cos it has poe, black box recorder, spacehog, sparklehorse, depeche mode, liz phair, hawksley workman, AMAZING live polly jean etc. thanks for the package kid. i guess it's my turn huh. i REALLY want to watch bandits but i do not foresee this any time soon.
4) old news but last thursday i had my hair done...and it's back to the red w/ orange of april...the lit match look [patent pending...TM colleen hennan heh] and everyone's all 'oooh i love your hair!' and i'm all 'er...thanks. but i've had it done this way BEFORE, y'know..' am i a bitch? i believe i am. but this bothers me. like HELLO? everyone's all excited over it and everything and it's old hat to me by now. oh yeah, and a guy at school actually said to my best friend "colleen? does she still go to this school?" when she mentioned me to him. yes folks, only *i* can feel invisible with orange hair and a shirt yelling my own name.
5) barring math and english, school is decent. my locker combination begins with a 0 and is therefore tricky. but i seem to be able to carry all my stuff in my bag at all times anyway.
6) also in halifax on tuesday i got 4 really awesome stickers from india with all these groovy gods and goddesses on them, and one fo them is the 'ohm' thinger i think. i got that at the black market. and then, i hit fucking PAYDIRT and got Just Enough Education To Perform at the elitist, cancer ridden used cd store where i enver have any luck---get this, for $9.99! it is such a great cd my friends. i recommend: everyday i think of money, have a nice day, rooftop, mr. writer...and others whose names i've forgotten cos i suck with song titles. i went into my secret vintage clothing store which i REFUSE to name for fear of having it raped and had 12 orgasms. i only ended up getting this green tee shirt that says irish irish irish irish irish on it, $4. it's stained, but well...i felt like doing my father proud. and anyway, i have a declaration to make: i will go to the prom if i'm allowed to get my dress from my Secret Vintage Store Which I Refuse To Name For Fear Of Having It Raped.
little plastic castle is a stupid, stupid and retarded song. ani hun: SING the songs, don't barf them up. you can sing dear, so please do.
sase801&06:34 p.m. / you're breathing fire, but you're not bringing back what's dead
audio: sarah harmer
dead. with a capital ed.
updated mp3s&cd list. sister gone. i steamed my pants while i was still in them and fell asleep in a apile of garbage at work today. yes, it's been that kind of week. and i'm not finished yet. tomorrow i msut throw myself back into the world of daily notes. or hang myself. hmmm. they're both such tantalizing options....
mose301&11:33 p.m. / can't talk to a psycho like a normal human being
audio: n/a
so i will broadcast this wherever i am allowed to post: I WON THE FLIPPIN' MONOPOLY GAME! and by like... a lot. i owned all the properties on the board [w/ hotels on all of them save for the few amanda gave me as she folded], and had almsot $10,000. yes folks. canadian monopoly rocks. and so do i, MONOPOLY CHAMPEEN! muhaha
and me dad jsut arrived. we thought he might be dead or something. and oh man...i love my dad, but...er...when i hugged him as he walked in the door, his new hearing aid was shoved into my own ear and now i have a massive headache from it's buzzing. my dad's not old...he's only 53...but this run in with his new hearing air, coupled with the fact that he RETIRED on friday [from the TD bank after 31 years of loyal service. which he hated. now he's got to go find himself another job. preferably one that he doesn't hate so much but pays equally as good.] ...it just makes me want to serve him ovaltine, alright?
going to halifax tomorrow. may i return with many GOOD deals as i have money but SHOULDN'T spend it. i WILL get a shirt with my name on it. failing that, something obnoxious will suffice...
mose301&02:49 p.m. / so dead in the water
audio: generator - elastica
ahhh, this morn greeted me with spectacular news! tra lalala! i'm taking a black and white photography course! yay! the universities might look twice at me now!..... oh right, and i finally informed my mother that i actually have a quasi-career aspiration these days. funny how she was the last to know. that mother of mine, tsk. and my cat just caught what we think was/is [according to kathryn she can still hear it squeaking] a squirrel. mom and kathryn were disgusted and i was...proud. way to go lucky. you ain't no useless domesticated male afterall....
mose301&01:41 a.m. / leading us into temptation
audio: lord lucan is missing - black box recorder
so no conrad was read this evening, and the mixtape is still one sided. i have been on the computer since my last post [which if you didn't read at the time then you're fuck out of luck, as it's been filed away into oblivion]...that's like...5 hours. wow. haven't been on the computer that long in ages. surely a good thing, no?
anyway i did half heartedly clean out my mp3s, made room for the whole whack of black box recorder and elastica mp3's that i've been meaning to download for awhile. whistle. i would pay good money to see sarah nixey of black box and justine frischman of elastica go at it. meOW. or at the very least record a duet together. justine with her sneers, and sarah with her whispers. sexy drawers, folks!
speaking of sarah. i love sarah seburn. she tried to hunt me down a husband today. for the record my husband lives in _______, loves supergrass and has the same supergrass tee shirt that i am CURRENTLY_WEARING [meant to be! meant to be!], frequents the tops market where my favorite sarah works, and is a blindingly beautiful adonis type, much like myself. our children will be illegally beautiful.
mom threatens to wake me at noon tomorrow. the horror....
( DOMAINS )